written 19 april 2000
no matter how many times one experiences love and loss, there will always be the one who haunts you. even when you stare into the familiar eyes of your beloved spouse of a decade or more, there is still the one that got away. the degrees can vary in frightening shades, but the theory is still the same. this one person will always have the power to bring you to your knees. years can pass but the scent of her hair will still cling to your sheets. the curve of his spine will forever be etched in your memory. you are halted at the thought. me being the emotional rag i am, i have sopped up more than my fair share of bruised lovers. but the one who will carry me to my grave was my best friend. the one who picked me out the day i arrived in class, and the one to unceremoniously excommunicate me 3 years later. i have left names out on purpose. i have even mentioned this ghost before i and i didn't use her name. i choke on it even when i'm not drawing it to my lips. i wouldn't trade my current life for her, but the "what if" train of thought is still crippling. i have these sporadic dreams about her where nothing is said. we look away, embarrassed. because what would i say? i tried to once, my golden opportunity for restitution, but she backed away like a cornered animal. at least now she knows. she carries with her the knowledge, however shallow, that she burned my little heart to a cinder, while she danced, oblivious. our collective lust and abandon of logic is what broke us. in the sweaty last days of our extreme bond, we were so close, and we came so close... i can remember times i should have acted, but didn't. but she moved onto that which was more intense and more obscene and much more fleeting than our friendship. and she disappeared.
never play the "what if" game. if i ever let her, she would be the one who would guide me by the hand into complete madness.